Is It Time To Give The 'Time-Out' A Time-Out?
Wednesday, August 1, 2012 at 1:00PM
Maybe the "time-out" isn't the more humane form of punishment. Child psychologist Lawrence J. Cohen, author of Playful Parenting, doesn't think so. I am finishing his book for my parenting book club and this part struck me:
"The main problem with time-outs is that they enforce isolation on children who are probably already feeling isolated and disconnected."
Cohen says that when children misbehave they are trying to tell you something. I'm tired. I'm bored. I'm lonely. I'm jealous. He thinks that a better way to deal with this is to try to speak their language and address the problem, not send them away. He says that when we send them away, they feel even more tired, bored, lonely, jealous, and so the problem is not being addressed or solved.
I've been one of those parents who thought that the "time-out" was a compassionate alternative to spanking. But now I'm beginning to reconsider.
When Miles acts out, if I stop to really analyze the situation I can figure out what is upsetting him. Most of the time it is about a disconnection, as Cohen asserts. If I can reconnect with him in some way, I can usually dissipate the situation and explain to him how he can better handle his frustration without hitting, whining, or tantruming.
This doesn't mean you have to be ready to address your child's needs at any given moment. It just means that you have to be willing to listen. If you can't address the situation right then and there, you can try to ask them to wait until you can. At least they know you have their attention.
Miles entered the "terrible twos" last week and while it really isn't so terrible, we are in a stage where we have to learn to discipline him effectively. So if he is feeling jealous of his baby sister and chucks a toy at the wall, sending him away will only make him feel MORE jealous, not less. He won't think, "Wow, I really should learn to control my rage and refrain from throwing objects at finished surfaces. This is a good lesson in causality." No! Of course not! He will think, "I wanted her attention and I tried to tell her that and now I have even less of my mommy than I had before I started. This sucks!"
Cohen's alternative to the time-out is to use a family meeting on the couch. When there is a disconnection, they all meet on the couch and take responsibility for what has gone wrong. Sometimes they don't even speak but often it is a time to cool off and address the issue. The point is to connect and address rather than reinforce and banish. I'm going to try to implement some of this. What do you think?
Reader Comments (8)
I always looked at time-out as a way of dealing with the behavior (throwing things, screaming, biting, hitting) not the why for the behavior. But I agree if the child can communicate the why (I'm hungry, I am want time with you, etc.) I think you have a better chance of teaching them it's ok to feel the way they do but not ok to hit or throw things and to explain that why the time-out is happening. The thing I have run into is asking the kid, Why did you throw the toy? Is it because you are missing mommy/daddy? The child will learn the right response to maybe avoid the time-out. I try to have the child use their words to explain their action before I offer any response.
We typically use timeout to show a consequence for an action. For example: if you hit your brother, instead of play with your toys you have to sit at the table for a small period of time. Bad choices = unpleasant consequences. One thing we have done is instead of sending her to her room we have her sit at the breakfast table in timeout. She is still around all of us and part of the family but she can make a clear correlation that she is now doing something she doesn't want to do because of a choice she made.
I did time outs when Reese about about 16 moths - 19 months and it worked well until she started to like and anticipate time outs. I'd say the word time out and she'd run over to her time out chair happy as can be. I didn't view it as a form of punishment but similar to adults I think some children need time outs. Sometimes a particular situation just gets to be too much and removing them completely works. But now that we don't do time outs I still sometimes find myself removing Reese from situations if I need to. Mostly I immediately get down on my knees to her level and ask her what's going on. A lot of the time I have a good idea but sometimes I have to guess and ask her questions to find out. I like this approach much better! I feel like I am treating her as competent and she reacts well to this. So I guess I am doing the "address" and "connect" and it's working for us. Good luck!
Time outs need to be balanced. A time out should tell the child "what I was doing doesn't get me what I want". In my experience, it's counter productive to give positive attention for bad behaviour, which just teaches the child that acting up will get them attention. Time outs also give the child a chance to calm down from either disruptive or angry behaviour.
However, time outs will only work if the parents also show them what does work for the child. Otherwise we just create a frustrating powerless vacuum for them. So, yes, it's up to us to sit down and discuss, use family meetings, cuddle and give attention for good behaviour or for no particular reason at all. Even ham it up "You have terrific manners! I would love to help someone who is so polite" or role play "let's pretend you took MY toy. This is what I should do".
In short, I think time out is an effective tool to show kids consequence of negative actions. But it only works if we overcompensate with pleasing consequences for good actions. Kids are pretty smart and will choose the path with best results.
I read this book and totally agreed with much of it. I try to deal with most problems with words and questions, but I have also started using time outs if my 21-month-old simply will not obey me. For example, she throws her food at the table. She knows that when she does that dinner is over, so I'll take her out of her chair and kindly ask her to pick up the food and hand it to mommy. I don't do it angrily or anything like that, and I've demonstrated to her how we clean up before. Sometime she simply refuses to do what I ask with a strong "no." A family meeting is not going to teach her that sometimes she just needs to do what she's asked. I certainly won't take responsibility for playing a part in the situation either. I feed her a good meal, chat with her, sing with her, etc, and she refuses to help clean up. That is something that needs a consequence. With a time out, she briefly loses her constant connection with me, which is what she wants more than anything. She loses it as a direct consequence of not listening. I bring her back after the time out and ask her to pick up the food again, and she does it. Once it required two time outs, but she finally did it then too.
As soon as she's older, we will probably have some sort of chart with awards and things, and if she refuses to do something, she'll lose her reward or privilege. But for now, she doesn't really "get" that, so timeouts work best. If anyone else has a quick and pleasant way to deal with an outright "no," do tell! I think it's completely reasonable to ask her to help with a simple task like picking up a piece of pasta!
I fear there is no ideal discipline. When it comes to spanking, we don't want to teach hitting is acceptable and we don't want to instill fear. When it comes to time out, you hit the nail on the head. On the other hand, if my children are whining because they need my attention and I immediately give them that attention, I have taught them that the result of whining is affection and attention. Yikes. On my best days, I try to give the attention and enjoy my children to avoid the problems altogether. When they are whining, I may say, "That's whining. You must need mommy. Stop whining and say please (to my 16 month old) or say 'I want to cuddle with you, mommy' (to my almost three year old)." Works like a charm. If only all my days I was that well-controlled.
I think different actions require different responses. For example, if Elle wants to constantly pour her milk in her plate or throw food on the floor, she has to clean it up and gets a time out to show her that it's a bad thing to do. In those instances, it's not acting out because she is feeling jealous, angry, etc. I agree that in situations where the child is acting out because of those emotions it's best to show you care and listen and try to understand. On a side note, I am not opposed to spanking. I was spanked as a child and I don't feel abused/scarred in any way. I'm not talking about a beating but a swat here and there when it is really really required. I wouldn't spank a toddler but an older child that knows better, I probably would. Guess we'll see when we get there. :)
our time outs are more for time away from the activity, to remove my 22mo from the situation. We don't isolate him as I don't believe he understands all that just yet. So we usually pick him up, take him to another room and sit with him in our lap and read a book or play a game. When he was one, we aimed for a 1 min. time-out, when he was 18mo, we upped it to 90 sec., but I think 2 min. right now is a bit too long, so we're averaging 30-60 sec. He understands and apologies now. if he's fussy and crying and kicking, we empathize with his feelings and ride it out. and the end, we give/get hugs and kisses and we go back to what we were doing... if he makes a mess with his food, he goes back and cleans it up. If he hits daddy, he kisses that spot better and usually will say something like "no hit people" or "soft" and of course "sorry". And we reinforce that "good boy" behavior. We also do the "1 2 3 Magic" book's approach. So if he does something mild, I count 1, and give him 2 more chances to correct his behavior before the time out, but if he hits really hard, it's an automatic 3 and a time out. He tests us sometimes to 2, but we rarely get to three any more, because he's learned it's always better for him to behave ;)