Feelings and Behaviors
Thursday, August 30, 2012 at 7:59PM
Another noteworthy excerpt from my book club book, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child:
"Limit setting is common among Emotion-Coaching parents, who can accept all feelings but not all behavior."
I like this tenet. Accept feelings but not behavior.
Miles has been a little difficult lately. Having just turned 2, he wants to argue or whine over pretty much everything I suggest.
Want to put on your shoes and go?
Noooo!!!!
Lets get out of the bath tub and have our story time.
Noooooooooo!!!
Can you finish your dinner so you can have dessert?
Noooooooooooooooo!!!
It's starting to wear on me. I know it's a phase. I know that he's trying to exert control over small decisions. I know that living at the whim of your parents is probably frustrating for someone trying to learn independence. So I am trying to be patient and help him figure out what he wants and articulate it without so much explosive emotion. I don't deny him his feelings but I do require respect for the other three people living here.
I will keep this in mind as we take on another day of independence-seeking tomorrow. He can't be a terror. He can't scream, hit, or throw things. I do not accept that behavior. But I accept his feelings. So if he feels frustrated or disappointed, he can figure out how to communicate that and we'll work on it together. I'll let you know how that goes.
Reader Comments (4)
When I taught special ed, the concept of accepting feelings but not behavior was such a huge part of interacting with the kids. I don't even think I realized that that was evident until now. Anyway, a concept that helped eliminate whining and confusion for knowing who was in charge was avoiding requests. Instead of saying "can you push in your chair?" we would say "push in your chair, please." I believe it helped the kids feel more secure in knowing there was order and the teacher has the final word. It's hard to remember, hopefully as my 7 month old boy grows, I'll apply it.
Along the lines of the previous comment, I find it helpful not to give choices in certain situations. Instead, I say "it's time to_____." This seems to bring more compliance from my toddler and pre-schooler, and the understand the order of a day and that certain things happen at certain times.
I kept this post in mind yesterday, when my 18 month old pitched a fit and it really helped! I told him that I understand he wants that toy, but his sister had it first, and we don't scream for toys. I don't know if he really understood my words, but he understood my compassion, so he got up off the floor and stopped screaming.
It's a matter of giving out instructions vs. questions...
Go put on your shoes now.
Time to get out of the bathtub, it's story time.
Clean your plate if you want dessert.
Kids want that guidance so badly.
"accept feelings but not behavior"
I love it. I'm seriously going to make that part of my "Quotes to Use on Anxious Parents" toolbox when I cover discipline vs. punishment during family sessions with clients. I'll just add "negative" before "behavior" because I can't just leave "well enough" alone #TherapistNerdTalk