A Message To My Childless Self

In my reading on early child development, I come across the same message over and over again: children need to connect. In fact, it is a basic human need to want to connect with other people. 

This is a good message for parents but I wish I had taken it to heart before I was a parent. I wouldn't have felt so bad about being lonely. 

Before I had a family I had a blossoming career but I was lonely. And I somehow thought that loneliness was a weakness. 

I went home every night to an empty studio apartment and ate the same boring dinner. I hated Sundays because they always made me somehow feel more single than other days of the week. 

Nowadays a quiet Sunday seems like a luxury. But I'm not so far removed from those Sundays that I can't remember that not only was I lonely, I felt embarrassed about being lonely.

I don't want my children to feel like that. I'm sure they will go through loneliness but I don't want them to compound the loneliness by feeling bad about it. I want them to recognize that Babs really did have it right: People who need people... 

The child psychologists stress to parents how much our children need us, crave our love and attention, and succeed in life because of the safety in their relationships. This doens't end when childhood ends.

I recently read Brain Rules For Baby and the author talks about famous research called the Grant Study. Researchers studied male Harvard undergraduates, all with seemingly bright futures - among them longtime Washington Post editor Ben Bradlee and President John F. Kennedy. The men were interviewed throughout their lives and guess what the biggest predictor of happiness was? Relationships! The author writes: 

"After nearly 75 years, the only consistent finding comes right out of It’s a Wonderful Life. Successful friendships, the messy bridges that connect friends and family, are what predict people’s happiness as they hurtle through life. Friendships are a better predictor than any other single variable. By the time a person reaches middle age, they are the only predictor. Says Jonathan Haidt, a researcher who has extensively studied the link between socialization and happiness: 'Human beings are in some ways like bees. We have evolved to live in intensely social groups, and we don’t do as well when freed from hives.' The more intimate the relationship, the better. A colleague of Vaillant’s showed that people don’t gain access to the top 10 percent of the happiness pile unless they are involved in a romantic relationship of some kind." 

Sobering, isn't it? It makes me appreciate my relationships and want to invest more in them on a daily basis. It also helps me forgive myself for feeling a bit empty without them.

I don't want to sound like one of those obnoxious women who swear that their lives were meaningless before their marriage and family. That isn't true. I was happy and I found healthy and satisfying ways to use my time. But if I'm honest, there was also an element of emptiness too. 

I wish I could go back and tell my 20something self not to feel bad about that. I would say, "Natali, it is okay to be lonely. You're supposed to feel lonely. A beautiful family will come in its own time and there will be a lot of chaos so just enjoy the silence in the meantime. Oh and go out to eat more often. You will not be able to enjoy restaurants the same way once you have kids so go out to eat at nice places - even if you have to go alone." 

New Parenting Book Club Book: Brain Rules For Baby

Time for a new book! This month I have chosen Brain Rules For Baby: How To Raise A Smart and Happy Child from Zero to Five by John Medina. 

I am super excited to read this book, especially after watching Dr. Medina's YouTube video. If you're following along with this book club, you know I'm all about the science when it comes to parenting! 

I hope you are following along with the Parenting Book Club! I sure am learning a lot! I know Mommies have busy lives but if you can find a few minutes every few days I think you'll find this an encouraging excerise! Happy reading! 

Using The Village

We all know the adage. It takes a village to raise a child. It turns out that actually utilizing that village is not only good for you, it's good for your child. 

I just finished Positive Discipline for my parenting bookclub. The final chapter has some really interesting points about childcare. 

The authors start by pointing out that in other cultures and generations it has NOT been customary for the mom to stay behind and raise the children alone. In fact, those cultures "might view our belief that mothers and fathers should raise children without outside advice or help as a form of insanity." 

And now some of the benefits of childcare that surprised me: 

"In a remarkable longitudinal study, The High/Scope Perry Preschool Study Through Age 40, researchers examined the lives of a group of forty-year-old adults, all of whom had taken part in a test project during their preschool years. The project found that those adults who had participated in 'quality' early-care programs went on to achieve higher school test scores and had higher rates of high school graduation than those children who had not received 'quality' early-care experiences. The children in the programs identified as 'quality' care also were less likely to be involved in crime as adults and averaged far more in annual earnings. School success, lowered crime rates, and workplace productivity are society-wide goals. Findings such as these remind us how deep the roots of our early experiences are." 

Wow. I found this so interesting that I looked up this study and found even more of this evidence. 

This does NOT mean that we should take childcare too seriously though. The author points out that childcare comes in many different forms and fashion - from in-home daycare centers, days with extended family members, blocks of time at community centers, etc. They discourage centers with too much focus on academics however. Another relevant study quoted from the Temple University Infant Lab: 

"The research confirmed that children who attended academic preschools did know more numbers and letters than the children who went to play-oriented preschools. By age five, however, the kids from the play-oriented preschools had caught up, while those attending academic preschools felt less positive about school." 

The lesson here: we should use the resources at our disposal instead of trying to do it all ourselves, yet we should not take it too seriously. No need to push a 2 year-old to read postmodernism. Just let them enjoy their community and eat paste. 

Secret Service Mouse

We had a stowaway on our trip to Germany this week. A one Mr. Cruise Ship Mickey. 

We bought Miles this Mickey Mouse on our Disney Cruise to Alaska last summer. He sleeps with it every night but lately he has taken to bringing it with him on adventures during the day. 

One of my recent reads on early childhood development pointed out that toddlers often attach themselves to a stuffed animal that can act as their royal tester. If a situation is new or slightly scary, there is always Mickey to test the waters. My husband Clayton calls him Miles' personal Secret Service. 

If we are heading to a new place, Miles quickly shoots his hands in the air and says, "I want Cruise Ship Mickey!"

Food is new and unfamiliar? Cruise Ship Mickey must try it out first. 

Time to get fingernails trimmed? Mommy must trim Cruise Ship Mickey's fingernails first.  

The world can be a scary and confusing place for a toddler so it is sweet that they can find comfort in something that can help them make sense of it all. Harmless and adorable. 

We all made a point to keep a close eye on Cruise Ship Mickey as we toured the sometimes-scary castles of Bavaria. When we toured Neuschwanstein Castle, which was the inspiration for Sleeping Beauty's Castle in Disney's Magic Kingdom, Miles was especially excited to "show Mickey his castle!" 

But boy did that mouse get dingy!The very first thing I did when we arrived home yesterday was tie Mickey in a pillowcase and throw him in the gentle cycle. He was dry before bedtime. His pants are still a bit worn and his cap doesn't exactly look good as new, but at least he is airplane germ free! 

What are the objects that your child uses as his/her own Secret Service life tester? 

Cleaned up after a long trip overseas!

Empathy For Daddy

I sometimes have this notion that my husband Clayton skips off to work to the tune of Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah. While I am at home with the babies, I visualize that he is frolicking down the hallways at work, whistling, high fiving coworkers, peacefully reading the day's news with a warm cup of coffee. 

I have these thoughts while I am up to my elbows in children. I most likely have not brushed my teeth and probably have spit-up dried in my hair like Something About Mary.

All right for some! I think to myself. 

When I have this vision, I can be less kind to him when he comes home. If he doesn't immediately take a baby off of my hip, I think he's being selfish or doesn't appreciate what I do for our family. 

Then I realize two things: 1) I'm feeling sorry for myself; and 2) I sometimes do not practice empathy for my husband the way I do for my kids. 

I was thinking about this while reading my book club book, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child. There is an entire chapter about children of marital discord and one line in particular struck me about practicing empathy for your spouse. Empathy is one of the most emphasized tenets of this book and the author mentions how easy it is to forget to practice in your marriage.  

I've been thinking about this a lot. Clayton surely doesn't prance off to work with impunity. He has to wake up at 3:30 a.m. He has to work hard. Very hard. He has challenges and concerns of his own in addition to my concerns about our family. It's not as if he waltzes out of the house thinking, "Have fun getting pooped on, honey! Sucker!" 

This kind of perspective is important, especially for women who feel that the division of labor is far from fair. Life isn't fair and keeping score is pointless but realizing that we are both trying hard is poignant. 

So today instead of pawning a child off on him as soon as he walked in the door, I smiled at him and let him unload his backpack. And the next time I feel jealous that he doesn't have to go to the bathroom while a toddler tries to paint the bathroom walls with makeup brushes, I will do my best to curb the jealousy or resentment. This life is my choice and I am lucky, not imprisoned for goodness sakes! 

It's easy to forget these little things but important to try to remember them.